Worst of Both Worlds

As the steroids slowly wear off, and her most recent chemo treatment is several days old, Aria starts to feel better.

She is more herself, than not herself. She is a little better, but not a lot. I've been waiting for this in between time and apparently should have been planning to handle it a lot better than I am.

Yesterday, I hosted a belated Easter Egg Hunt at the park for Lyric and a few of her friends, in an unnecessary attempt to make up for the anticlimactic hunt she had last week alone (warning: emotional theme ahead). 

After the activity, I let the girls stop by our house briefly to use the loo before heading to a new venue. While waiting, the screechy kindergarten girls swarmed our porch right outside Aria's window. 

What a mistake. I was still living in "Aria is too tired to do anything, or even care" land. But she'd long since packed and moved into "Just enough awareness to feel left out" world. 

Not all that long ago.

She came to the front door and sobbed. Big teared, heaving chest, pleading sobs. She wanted to climb on top of the playhouse with the other kids. But she both shouldn't and couldn't. 

When I invite her play outside (with me), she never does. She wants to feel like the other kids by being with the other kids. 

When anyone feels lonely, it weighs down on me. Aria is a Comfortable On My Own kind of kid. I admire that.Wen she feels lonely, it pressed the breath out of me.

I've been in a Mood since yesterday. As with all these experiences, I'm taking this harder than she is. Though it's hard to say for sure; Aria doesn't offer soliloquies on her Inner State (as Lyric the Orator does.)  

Aria waits until you least expect it. and then tears in your heart out in five words or less.