Goodness gracious, mommy, isn't the snow so exciting!

That's a lot of snow for early November. The last time it snowed was 8 months ago. The first leg of that wintery wonderland emerged on a Friday afternoon in March, and I posted this picture with the caption "Finally, proper snow."

They were so freaking excited about this snowman. I remember I ducked inside before it was done because it was so damned wet and cold.

By morning, Aria had a 105 degree fever and we headed to the pediatrician's office, only to be told that kids with strep get crazy high fevers. Something similar happened Sunday at 3AM in the ER. By Monday night, we had a blizzard and I was taking Aria to a new ER while Kevin stayed home with Lyric.

By morning, Aria had cancer.  That's what I think of each time I see this picture, one that I should love.

A few minutes ago, Kevin took the girls out to play in the first little snowfall of the season. All afternoon, I've tried to love their excitement and delight in how exciting and pretty it is. But all I manage is a smile that never reaches my eyes, doing little more than remaining upright, lucid, and taking in just enough oxygen to remain so.

Choose Your Own Birth Adventure! Catastrophic Event or Life-Threatening Cancer Risk

I tend to write my daily gratitude reminders for FB and save the heavy shit for the blog. So buckle in, because this is the blog.

The biggest question I can never answer about how Aria got leukemia is, well, how Aria got leukemia. 

I understand the process, but "why Aria?" hasn't been something I can delve into. 

If it were environmental, was there something I could have done? If her immune system was defective, was there something I could have done? 

I had been happy to keep checking the NO box. Til today. 

It started with an NPR video for kids about the importance of microbes in your body. It mentioned how the increase in some immune system problems -- like asthma and allergies -- may be due to an the increase in caesarian sections. They didn't mention leukemia specifically. But "immune system problem" is a polite way to define leukemia, and I hadn't explored that avenue. 

A quick google, with my stomach in my throat, brought a medical study on "Cesarean versus Vaginal Delivery: Long term infant outcomes."  It briefly delves into the theory that by skipping the trip down the birth canal, and thus not getting the recommended daily allowance of microbes (on Day One), the baby may instead be at risk for "some cancers" later on.

Now feeling dizzy, my second google brings forth a science article on how "C-Section Births Cause Genetic Changes That May Increase Odds For Developing Diseases In Later Life." 

"Delivery by C-section has been associated with increased allergy, diabetes and leukaemia risks....our theory is that altered birth conditions could cause a genetic imprint in the immune cells that could play a role later in life."

As you already surmised, Aria's mommy had a C-section. Two, actually. With Lyric, the exit had a roadblock, so the doctor took a scheduled detour through my bikini-line.

With Aria, I then opted to have an "unnecessary" c-section because I was terrified not to. That whole "uterine rupture" problem sounded "unnecessarily" horrifying. I knew some hospitals won't even do a VBAC because of the risk. And hell, all my lady parts were all still in tact, so why not re-open that convenient bikini-line entrance to welcome baby #2? Frankly, I wasn't all that broken up about it.

As it turned out, as the doctor was airlifting Aria from my womb, she "mentioned" that my previous scars had, in fact, already opened. So, um, that rupture thing kind of happened, right? I really had made the safer choice and averted potential life-threatening catastrophe for all of us. That relief still trumps any misgivings I had about choosing 48-hours of harder recovery over 48-hours of labor.

Yet, I'm still sitting here wondering if the combination of not breastfeeding Aria long enough (we had issues) and "opting" for the c-section is how my baby "got" cancer. I'd sure like to be not wondering that. No it's not my fault exactly, but I still would like to erase this morning from my knowledge banks and go back to assuming an evil wizard did it.