The biggest question I can never answer about how Aria got leukemia is, well, how Aria got leukemia.
I understand the process, but "why Aria?" hasn't been something I can delve into.
If it were environmental, was there something I could have done? If her immune system was defective, was there something I could have done?
I had been happy to keep checking the NO box. Til today.
It started with an NPR video for kids about the importance of microbes in your body. It mentioned how the increase in some immune system problems -- like asthma and allergies -- may be due to an the increase in caesarian sections. They didn't mention leukemia specifically. But "immune system problem" is a polite way to define leukemia, and I hadn't explored that avenue.
A quick google, with my stomach in my throat, brought a medical study on "Cesarean versus Vaginal Delivery: Long term infant outcomes." It briefly delves into the theory that by skipping the trip down the birth canal, and thus not getting the recommended daily allowance of microbes (on Day One), the baby may instead be at risk for "some cancers" later on.
Now feeling dizzy, my second google brings forth a science article on how "C-Section Births Cause Genetic Changes That May Increase Odds For Developing Diseases In Later Life."
"Delivery by C-section has been associated with increased allergy, diabetes and leukaemia risks....our theory is that altered birth conditions could cause a genetic imprint in the immune cells that could play a role later in life."
As you already surmised, Aria's mommy had a C-section. Two, actually. With Lyric, the exit had a roadblock, so the doctor took a scheduled detour through my bikini-line.
With Aria, I then opted to have an "unnecessary" c-section because I was terrified not to. That whole "uterine rupture" problem sounded "unnecessarily" horrifying. I knew some hospitals won't even do a VBAC because of the risk. And hell, all my lady parts were all still in tact, so why not re-open that convenient bikini-line entrance to welcome baby #2? Frankly, I wasn't all that broken up about it.
As it turned out, as the doctor was airlifting Aria from my womb, she "mentioned" that my previous scars had, in fact, already opened. So, um, that rupture thing kind of happened, right? I really had made the safer choice and averted potential life-threatening catastrophe for all of us. That relief still trumps any misgivings I had about choosing 48-hours of harder recovery over 48-hours of labor.
Yet, I'm still sitting here wondering if the combination of not breastfeeding Aria long enough (we had issues) and "opting" for the c-section is how my baby "got" cancer. I'd sure like to be not wondering that. No it's not my fault exactly, but I still would like to erase this morning from my knowledge banks and go back to assuming an evil wizard did it.
2 comments:
I'm a scientist and believe in science. I also believe in trying your best to make decisions with as much information as possible, including scientific information. That said, an important concept to remember is that complex outcomes have complex inputs. I simply don't accept that your decision to have a C-section made Aria get leukemia. What would you have been saying if Aria had gotten leukemia and you had delivered her vaginally? There are parents who are faced with just that scenario. I'm terribly sorry that Aria has been battling leukemia and I don't want to see you blaming it on yourself.
You are a thoughtful and curious person. And I know it is impossible to avoid going down this road. But try not to go too far down it. Children get leukemia with plenty of breastfeeding in their early days. Children get leukemia with natural birth.
The decisions you made back then made sense. You made them intelligently, and you made them by weighing odds. To have done the VBAC would have been equally, if not more, risky. You'll never know how that might have played out. But the bottom line is that Aria is alive, possibly because you made that decision. And you are alive to help her through this, possibly because you made that decision.
Even though things are shitty, you are both here, helping each other fight this thing. You can't have any regrets about that.
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